#but I also am posting dark fantasy with angst during the genderswap lesbian zeitgeist so | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sinkat · 4 months ago

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Publicly posting creative work when you have *severe* rejection sensitive dysphoria is such a bitch. I can't even look at chapter 2 of this new story without being upset, and all I have to do is edit it to post... but my brain won't stop with the "why bother?" and "no one wants this."

Scratch that, I can't even be excited about it or think positively about it at this point. The whole thing is tainted because I'm misdirecting mountains of very real IRL stress and frustration right into convincing myself that my creative work is shit, while using single digit engagement numbers on Twitter and AO3 evidence of that. (I gave up on tumblr a long time ago, and good thing, too, considering how much stuff I chuck here and get... literally zero response.)

And then, of course, there's the guilt associated with this blanket-statement kind of thinking - you know, "no one wants this" - when at least a couple of people like it. I know I'm being ungrateful and that the standard of "success" isn't how many internet strangers decided to click a like button.

But I still can't help thinking, like... at what point do you take a hint and just stop?

#also lack of response in fandom servers #but I also am posting dark fantasy with angst during the genderswap lesbian zeitgeist so #just feels like if I'm not drawing (the right kind of) spice nobody really cares #and in response to feeling rejected I have fully withdrawn #so I'm not in there talking about other people's works or just chatting #so of course no one's going to want to extend the same courtesy to me #it's a two way street and I'm part of the problem #at this point it's either find a way around this feeling of rejection and misery or stop #I was having fun until I saw someone's (now deleted) twitter post about a year ago #that was like “I dislike that I have to engage with this one specific piece of art to make it stop appearing on my timeline”#and it was right when I'd just posted something that was doing fairly well (for me anyway)#and that same person then went and dropped a like on it #a person who had up until that point regularly interacted with me #and hasn't really since #so the timing is suspect and my brain won't let it go #what if everyone's humoring me?#what if likes are really just “I don't want to see this any more?”

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